My Moment {of TRUTH}

I saw my dad 2 weeks before he died.

I was the last family member to see him… looking back now, I believe that was meant to be. It was in August of 2012. At the time, I was still home from college since the semester wouldn’t be starting for a few weeks. I was working a part-time job that was a few miles from where my dad’s apartment was.  He had lost his job months prior and things snowballed from there. Hell, the snowball formed years prior, his job becoming one of the later victims. It was a classic situation of “when it rains, it pours” – although, I don’t believe he was cognizant to the reality that he was brewing his own storm.

His car had gotten re-possessed so he couldn’t really go anywhere beyond walking distance. He reached out to me earlier to ask me if I would be working that day and could pick him up and take him to the store. I normally would have been a bit apprehensive (for reasons that I will explain later) – but, as fate would have it, I was in a really great mood that day and didn’t hesitate. I hadn’t seen him in several weeks, and, for the first time in awhile, I really wanted to.
After work, I drove over and picked him up. He was frail. He had lost so much weight and just was a shell of himself. A light breeze could have blown him over, no exaggeration. But naturally, I just thought he would eventually snap out of it (the eternal optimist that I am). I find it to be a bit ominous that his appearance and overall demeanor did little to affect me. Being at the front lines of witnessing his addictions and demons taking over for so long had served to numb me during this time.

But I didn’t focus on any of that… for the first time in ages, I was very upbeat with him and just simply happy to be in his presence. And he was, too, I think. In some ways, I believe that was my first experience of fully and consciously choosing presence. Incredible… I chose presence with someone I would never have a present moment with again, at least not in person.

On the way to the store, he told me he wanted to get some tomatoes (and of course I knew beer and cigarettes would be involved in that purchase, too). But I didn’t care about any of that. I accepted him, bad habits and all. It was weird though…. He wanted tomatoes, and funnily enough, that day at work, one of my co-workers had brought in a bunch of them that were up for grabs from her garden… I couldn’t get over the irony of that at the time. And I excitedly told dad I could get him a bunch (and part of me knew it would be another way to help him save some money). He was painted in gratitude at my offer.

On the drive back to his place, I got to share with him updates on my life… about the upcoming school year… about everything. And he did more listening than talking. But there was an ease about our interaction, that I hadn’t had in awhile. It took me back to the middle school days when dad would drive me to school every morning. The drive wasn’t long, but that time… that time was our time. We had a special bond in each others’ presence, often unspoken. I hadn’t realized how much I missed that, even now.

I dropped him off at his apartment. I hugged and kissed him for the last time. I told him I would see him soon. I got in my jeep and began to drive off, seeing him standing there in the rear view, watching his form become smaller. And I felt such a twinge of sadness for the man I left behind…

He left me 2 weeks to the day, at his own hand.

…I’m doing this, my friends. I’m going to open up the closet, and let my skeletons emerge. I am going to face everything with fierce vulnerability, fearless. I’ve discovered so much truth, and I want to share that with you. There is a plethora yet to be discovered… lessons and truth never-ending. At the risk of being misunderstood, I am no longer hiding. My truth is mine and yours.

Jess