The [Beautiful] Collapse

I can’t fully articulate the way I’m feeling right now so this is my attempt…

I just went on vacation to New Orleans for Mardi Gras – a trip I’m going to remember for the rest of my life. I’ve truly grown to love travelling at this stage in my journey because it always sparks self-reflection – on both where I am now and how far I’ve come (and being on a plane for hours helps to literally rise above the world and get back in touch with myself) Beyond all else, I reflect on my maturity, the growth of my soul, all of the essential events (good and bad) added up – they’ve evolved me into this person who is simply painted in gratitude.

This reflection on my trip is going to take a different angle because my heart is overwhelmed right now.

Years ago, I was lost and broken. I didn’t feel as though I had purpose. If I did have purpose, I didn’t think I was remotely grateful for the prospect of it or if it was simply something I would ever be able to obtain. I didn’t love myself. I felt as though I was in a dark tunnel with no hope of ever finding the light. I couldn’t see that the light was ME. And I wanted escape. I wanted the twisting in my gut to end – and that weight on my chest that hindered my ability to breathe and that felt all of the world’s darkness deep within. I was walking around with a broken heart barely held together with duct tape, and on the outside I wore a mask of goofiness and optimism. I was ready to be done – my toes were hanging off the edge of the cliff and all it would have taken is a light breeze or erosion of the unsteady ground beneath my feet. And that would’ve been it.

I never fell off of that cliff. I collapsed onto my back – the pain of the blow shooting like electricity through my body. And I just laid there and cried. My cry was a cry for help, and thankfully, my fellow fighters were right by my side… every step of the way.

The dust settled and after what felt like months of waiting in the wreckage – confused, scared, anxious, uncertain, heartbroken, but alive – I stood up.

6 years have passed since then. That’s 6 years of beautiful, immense growth that I wouldn’t trade for anything. 6 years of relationships forged, of memories made, of purpose found. Words do not exist to encompass this feeling – the feeling of knowing how close you were to ending it all, and how TODAY you are someone who loves yourself so much and loves life all the same… the gut-wrenching, confusing, f**ked up, beautiful, invigorating, sensational roller coaster that it is.

All of these words – my friends, they come from a deep place. From a place of empowerment and inexplicable joy rooted in where I am in this moment. They come from a vulnerable(STRONG) heart… one that knows it isn’t impervious to pain, and yes, undoubtedly more breaking. But also one that knows the pieces will repair themselves… every time into something all the more beautiful and radiant. I am strength. I am love. I am faith. I am gratitude. I AM HAPPY.

On this vacation, I had a friend I hadn’t seen in years who was wonderful enough to tell me how different I was and offered one of the most incredible compliments I could have received: “You seriously seem like you’ve found yourself – like you’re comfortable in your own skin.” That hit me. I would have never dreamed I could get here. But to settle into your being, to love yourself, and to recognize that dreams are attainable simply by living your truth. That’s everything.

I mean, what more can I say? Here’s to continued growth, to the joy and pain, to living our truths, to finding ourselves, to empathy, to love, to life. Oh, and happy Mardi Gras 😉

Cheers,

Jess