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To Be Understood… [We are in this TOGETHER]

Lately I’ve been digging into the archives of thoughts I’ve written down in the past – times when I’ve had those moments of inspiration and sheer gratitude and openly / unapologetically poured my heart out.
I re-discovered one that I had written to one of my best friends in the world … one of those friends who has always pushed me to ask the deep questions about myself and this life. I felt compelled to share this because I feel like there are a lot of us out there who struggle with being understood. I’m one of them. If you’re feeling that way, or can relate (or hell, even if you can’t)… this one’s for you.
I still feel like I’ve been holding back so here’s to another step towards open and fearless vulnerability my friends… it’s raw, real, uncomfortable, essential.

“We are in this together. I know I say it often, how grateful I am for the blessings in my life, and how grateful I am for you, and finally finding a degree of understanding that I’m not used to. But F**K, man… grateful is a word I have to settle for because it is so far below the bar, below the realm of language really for what I feel. To be understood. To FEEL less alone and that there’s another human being who literally GETS the pieces of my soul that I have felt were broken, left idle in the dark corners of my mind because I thought they were made never to be seen or acknowledged. But they need to be confronted. Everything that passes through us in this life, from pain to love to fear… it’s all f**king ESSENTIAL. And I hate that with all that I have and love it at the same time. Because we need truth. We need it to make us tick…to drive us forward. Without that… we’re bound to perish. Maybe not in the literal sense… but I’ve come to realize that my two greatest fears in life fall on both ends of the spectrum: that I will fall so lonely as to give up on this world… just check out entirely like my dad did because he was too f**king weak, too fucking afraid to face the darkness and keep fighting because IT’S F**KING WORTH TRYING …….OR turn into a robot who lets the days go by and falls into this cycle of bulls**t and ignorance. Who finds my time is taken up by things that literally get me nowhere, and to SETTLE into that.

You can probably sense in my words that I’m feeling really… intensely… right now. Not that I’m angry, really. It’s hard to convey into words. I get to a point sometimes, and really it’s where I find the most amount of TRUTH… but it’s a point where my worlds collide. Where I feel this combination of anger, pain, sadness, and at the same time, love, gratitude, hope, eagerness… that leaves me feeling harshly invigorated. I don’t know how else to put it. But that’s where I’m at right now. And I’ll tell you the best part about it is that I know I’m not alone in this, and I know I can share this with another part of me who completely. Just. Gets. It. …Gets me.

And I feel this feeling now, too, when you go through your battles and tribulations. I can’t find solutions to your pain or problems that steer your way. No one can… no one has the answers, all we can do is get advice from people who are clueless, but want to help. It’s a beautiful thing to want to help, but I’ve settled in being ok with the fact that there aren’t going to be answers, because what it boils down to, is that we have a decision to make in every single moment of this life. Every single second, we make a choice, that then takes us to that next choice. Life is an endless string of choices. So really, the best way is to take that in stride, is to try to steer those choices towards times when you find truth. Because that’s what really matters.
You’re feeling a gut-wrenching pain right now – it’s so evident, without you even telling me about what’s been happening. And I’ve been there, and I will be again. Maybe we don’t have parallel situations that make us feel this way, but it equates to the same feeling. But what I’ve found is that the truth I’m finding as time progresses past that initial catastrophe I faced… it’s everything. And it drives me forward, and if that’s happening, and if I’m not settling into the darkness, but working to crawl through it… that’s the bottom line. That’s the “reason”.
It’s like when you’re in physical pain… maybe you have a cut on your skin. And it hurts like hell, but you still somehow go to touch it on occasion to see if it still hurts. And even though the pain is still there, you still find a weird satisfaction in that. A “hurts so good’ kind of feeling. Who knows why, but there’s a twisted satisfaction in the sting. But eventually, the pain lessens. And before you know it, it doesn’t hurt anymore. But you remember it. The memory is still there. And that won’t go away. But you’re left moving forward until another bruise or cut comes along. No matter what the cause, you feel a weird satisfaction in the pain, because you know, it will heal. And in the healing, it will SHAPE YOU. And you’ll remember. And that’s exactly what drives our lives. Our scars are f**king glorious.

So no, I don’t have some profound thought or answer for you. That’s not my point in all of this. My point is to explicitly acknowledge that you are in pain. And to acknowledge that YOU are driving forward. I see it, everyday, and I feel it, even from over here. Hell, even through all of these words, and the pain I feel too, just knowing that you’ll see my words, and that you’ll resonate with them on some level… well f**k man, that already makes the only peace I’ll need for today. Some people go through this life and never cross another human being who can connect with their mind and soul. And frankly, I always felt doomed to walk through this life with the acceptance that I would be one of those people. How lucky are we, to have found that so early on? We’ve only scratched the surface on the questions that life is going to dish out, and now we can both face them, clueless, but not alone”

1 thought on “To Be Understood… [We are in this TOGETHER]”

  1. Robin Reed's avatar
    Robin Reed March 21, 2017 — 12:01 am

    Wow, this is good. You will connect with many!

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