To Know

Have you ever been terrified of yourself?

 
This is a topic I tread lightly on… I think often the scariest topics encompass that approach. Often lately, I’ve found myself re-shaping what my dad’s death currently means for me. I think death often takes a different form as you progress through life. I don’t feel the pain from his death today as I did when it happened… well, it takes a different form. And in turn, the demons I now confront are different, but we’re forged from that same initial seed. This is hard to explain, but my hardest obstacle to confront seems to spur more from his presence than his absence. My dad was a depressed soul at the end. But I think in a way, he always had that darker cloud around. He was always darkness as much as light. I’ve come to say lately that I feel like I understand him more now than I ever did before, and I think in a sense, it’s because I’m understanding myself more and more – all culminating to show me how similar we really are. I think some of the traits that are intrinsically part of me – the pieces that often terrify me as much as they have become my sanctuary… they, in part, came from him: my sensitivity, my empathy, my vulnerability. They were within me the day I was born. But I’m scared because his cloud {darkness} … that’s a part of me, too. 

That’s a tall order to carry when someone you love takes their own life… being ok. Right after, I was trying to be so acutely aware of myself and those around me. But life eventually carries on and you continue the aim to make sense of the insensible. And eventually you realize that you don’t have to be ok, and there’s a freedom in that. I’ve come to love my dark shades just as much as my light. And that’s how I know they can’t be used against me. The demons can’t take over because I know too much…

I know too much now, and he taught me.