The {Dormant} Fire

I’m terrified of somehow obtaining the things that I want in life and not having the capacity to hold onto them.

Through my life’s journey, I find myself always seeking to understand the underlying meaning behind my emotions – good and bad. I’ve stressed lately the imperative nature of the lightness and darkness within us… how one cannot exist without the other and there is a newfound freedom once you recognize that scars are essential in life. This has been the foundation for my life lately and a huge part of why I can definitively say, at this stage in my life – I have never seen this clearly or been this happy.

Am I happy every second of every day? No. Do I want to be? Hell no. It’s not realistic, nor should it be. I don’t want to be happy all the time – I want to embark on a never-ending journey of TRUTH. That was a huge realization for me, and in some ways, it’s at the core of who I am now. That’s a major shift – recognizing that darkness, difficult as it may be, is nothing to fear. Bottom line – it is just as much a part of me, and I accept myself – in every single shade.

What I’ve realized lately is that there is a new duality that is playing a huge part in my life and has taken root in my mind, leading to undefinable discomfort… until now. And that is the duality of PASSION and FEAR. I’ve heard love and fear described in the same context, but lately I’ve found passion to be the biggest player in my life (although it certainly can be considered synonymous with love).

When I refer to passion, I am loosely tying this to purpose. What makes me tick. What is it about my uniqueness that can ultimately play a role in helping to change the world? Some days, I feel as though it’s so clear and shining brighter than a super nova. Other days, it’s a flicker of a candle… or an ember at best. I suppose that comes with the territory… it’s just simply not realistic to stay that bright, 100% of the time… the ebbs and flows are an integral part of this life. But that’s where my fear stems from I suppose, just like the opening sentence of this entry. I fear the dormancy of my fire, essential as I have concluded it to be. I think the fear stems from conceptualizing dormant as treading on the fine line of permanence, fearing above all else, that I may lose the passion, the light, the fire or find myself incapable of maintaining the drive.

Is fear an integral part of this life? Is it necessary to further emphasize your strengths, loves, passions? Is there any avoiding it altogether? Is all of this a construct in my head? No, I’m really asking…