How I found Me {My Moment]

One of my favorite aspects of my life at this stage is that self-reflection is such an integral part of my every day and who I am. Whether it’s through writing, recording my thoughts, talking to a friend… I’m constantly digging for truth. And it’s an endless journey. There are moments in my past that I have aimed to make sense of. I feel like breakthroughs occur all the time, and just when I think I have it figured out, a new profound realization takes place.

In many ways, when it comes to depression, and working through the darkness… past pain, past mistakes, the cringe-worthy moments… I have come to believe that the most truth takes root in those moments. It’s unbelievable.

In talking to a friend recently, I opened my heart up and went back to those dark times– and, in doing so, I had one of those moments. The kind that take your breath away – that make you realize that the answers, reasons, confusion, every aspect of this life and the obstacles we face… it all means something so far beyond our comprehension in the most irrevocably beautiful way.

I reflected back to the lowest point I could think of – my “rock bottom” – the time when I was lost, broken, confused, ready to surrender because it was all too much and I didn’t understand anything.

So, I did surrender. I isolated myself, drove away to be alone, drank an entire bottle of wine, wrote a note to my family, and made my decision. This was it for me. I did something I had never done before outside of my own mind and physically painted my wrists, bringing the scars to the surface that I had kept hidden for so long. This was the first time I had ever done this, and it would be the last. I did not go through with it. At the time, I viewed it as a “failed attempt” … but the truth is, it was the greatest success of my life. I brought my demons to the surface out of complete fear and surrender – and life surprised me. Turned out I was exposing my demons to the light – that which is exposed cannot be used against you. It’s confrontation at its finest and it changed my life. Because I survived. I had lost myself on my life’s journey (a perceivable struggle at the time) … and in that moment, unbeknownst to me, I began my glorious pilgrimage back to myself.

However – that was not my moment of true realization. I was still feeling as though I failed… in what, I wasn’t entirely sure. But all I knew to do was run to the arms of my family and try to “figure this out.”

The night I got home, I hugged my family and tried the best I could to relax and just, be. I was sitting in the rubble of self-destruction, waiting for the dust to settle – confused, lost, ALIVE.

The next morning was a turning point, a stamp in time consumed by the heaviest emotions I may have ever felt, and it’s just now that I have come to the conclusion of what it all meant so many years ago. My mom came into my bedroom and sat next to me. The air was thick with hurt, confusion, and more love than I could ever express. I was wearing a long-sleeved t-shirt that I had slept in. My mom looked at me, and gently asked me to push my sleeves up and show her. I fought it – I was ashamed and absolutely terrified. But after a few moments passed, I rolled them up, and turned away. I couldn’t bear to face her. I didn’t even need to because the emotions were so raw. She gently touched my arms. We held each other and cried.

Beyond the emotions – the room was thick with a feeling that changed me. It was coming from my mom. I realize now that the intensity and feeling I felt, was a reflection of the light within me. And I didn’t know it at the time, but now I know… that was the moment I began the journey back to myself. It was the moment that I knew that I wanted to see me for who I am … through her eyes. To see the light that I had all along and lost sight of along the way. I knew it then, but couldn’t articulate it. And now… now, I SEE. I SEE ME.

I have come to believe that our journey through life is laced with the answers – but nothing will be clearly laid out. They are beyond the realm of language. It takes, well, living. Walking through the storms, to be washed clean on the other side. And more will come, but we’re better equipped to handle them, to learn from them, every time. But through it all, I have come to believe that the most imperative thing we can do is not abandon ourselves.

If you’re reading this and in this moment, you are struggling on that journey back to yourself, I want you to keep going. Please know – you are light. I was, all this time, but depression is truly like putting a dark shade over the lens of reality. The most important decision you can make to honor yourself, to be happy… is to truly see yourself. To remove that shade and re-connect with who you are.

Maybe that’s why I’ve always loved wearing sunglasses since I was a kid… so I can handle my light. :-p