Empty, Weighted Words

I got a text from my Dad on a Thursday. All it said was, “Love you babe”

I was annoyed. I didn’t respond. Because the words felt empty… I always thought he had a funny way of showing it at the time. I still had a lot of resentment to work through. But, it was just another day for me. Another day of receiving empty words and hoping… just always hoping. Hoping that he could get better, that he would wake up one day and want better for himself. That he could see his potential, see that he didn’t need to put his body through all this hell, that he could find meaning in this life in spite of the fact that my family wasn’t together anymore.

I had hope. But I couldn’t have known. There’s just no way of knowing sometimes…

A simple text from him on a Thursday. He took his own life two days later.

All of a sudden, empty words carried more weight than I could have ever imagined.

The ghost of it all still haunts me. Every. Single. Day. See, you don’t move on, not really. And you don’t really accept, not really. Some days you do. Other days, there’s this dark weight looming. It makes it hard to breathe.

He died loving me. In a lot of ways, I believe those last few years, he lived for loving me. I think his love for me, my siblings, my family… that’s what kept him alive for all those years. The problem is that he had abandoned himself long before.

It can be a tall order to find your way back to yourself through a dark, thick haze of depression. A tall order… not impossible.  I want everyone reading this to PLEASE know that. Please know your worth. And, if you can’t see it right now — PLEASE know that it’s there and there are ways to see life through it’s TRUE lense, to see yourself in true light, to care for yourself and your mind. Do not compromise it. Vocalize. Be vulnerable. Be real and honest. Break the stigma.

I don’t have the answers, but I choose to believe that all of it {the pain, the hurt, the heartbreak, the trials, the loss, the abandonment, the rejection}… it all means something MORE.

It’s all essential. Just. Like. YOU.