My gift.

To feel safe… ohhh man, what a comfort, right? I love that feeling. I used to live for that feeling. I needed it, like a lifeline — like this cloak wrapped around me, to cover my anxiety and insecurities so they didn’t even have a chance to surface. It’s a vacation when you don’t have to feel the rough stuff right? But, like all “vacations”… it has to come to an end at some point.

I suppose what I’m getting at is that — comfort, safety, distraction — it was the primary theme of my life when I was all but a stranger to myself. And that just doesn’t cut it. I had to open my mind to the idea that I could change, evolve, grow. And dare I say it, learn to love… me.

My journey… a series of moments, piece by piece, that molded the person that I am. It wasn’t always pretty, especially the person I perceived in the mirror when I actually mustered the strength to look. But, it was necessary.

I think it’s important to emphasize perception. See, I’m still the same Jess I’ve always been. Same body, same heart, same soul. But my world shifted when I started to understand, truly understand… that events are going to continue to happen in my life- heavenly, gut-wrenching, every fucking thing in between… but it’s how I choose to see these events that will be the ultimate dictator of me living the kind of life I deserve. Let me say that again… the kind of life I deserve.

Does that mean that a magical perception shift equals sunshine and rainbows and eternal happiness? Fuck no. Is that the kind of life I think I deserve? Fuck. No.

I don’t put things this way to be derogatory or careless… quite the opposite actually. I put them this way because that’s how strongly I feel. I used to believe that the goal in life was going to be happiness in this magical pot of gold at the end of the rainbow… that I’d continue to hike this arduous mountain to finally be rewarded with this seemingly unattainable, un-namable gift that would make everything ok. To breathe easy and life is just that… easy.

I am breathing easier now. I’m breathing easier in the realization that it just ain’t true. I’m breathing easier because I know… that the pain, the scars, the heart-shattering moments… it’s all necessary. I’m breathing easier because I know that I. am. necessary.

What was once my suffocation is now my oxygen. I can breathe in knowing that my scars, the evidence of what was once broken… is continuing to BUILD me into who I was always meant to me.

It’s just so important to me that I share this, that I put this out into the universe because it has become so imperative in my own. It’s important that I express that life sure as hell isn’t sunshine and rainbows. I’m not living this magical life — I still learn to manage anxiety and working to keep my mind right daily. I still have to work and fight to care for myself in the way I deserve… that isn’t going to end. It comes with the package. But I don’t want it to end. I accept it. It’s worth it and SO AM I.

In all honesty guys, this post was going to start off in a completely different direction with a completely different topic — but as if to drive this whole point home… sometimes you just can’t plan… 🙂 It’s never really been my strong suit. Maybe I’m just an addict for the surprises life throws at me, the manners in which I continue to surprise myself. All I know is that my truth is the greatest gift I have to offer, to you all… to myself. Who knows what I’ll learn tomorrow?