Like a Gem

I wrote this post originally a little over 3 years ago… Just never saved it anywhere. And this is one I want to keep forever ❤

“When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure.”

There’s a memory of my dad that I hold close to my heart and have never shared with anyone… one which is so simple, yet so vivid, and when I think about it, I’m taken back there almost instantaneously. 

It was when I was a kid, maybe 7 or 8 years old. I was home one night, playing in the house (probably playing on my first Playstation that Santa brought me for Christmas the year before). I remember getting up, probably in search of the next thing I could get into, and I walked near the front door of our house. The front door was open, and I could see through the screen door that my dad was outside, just sitting there. He often did that… whether it was to smoke a cigarette, or maybe to talk on the phone to one of our relatives in California. And usually, I paid no mind, but this particular time, I went outside and sat down next to him. I remember what a nice night it was – must have been the summertime because it was a comfortable temperature with a light breeze. You could see the stars out, and I remember the moon being full when I looked up. Really, those are the kind of nights even now, that I just live for. They bring a peace to your soul that you can’t often get with the hustle and bustle of the world. Just a much-needed “life pause.” 

I don’t remember what was said exactly… maybe some light exchange at first… but overall, I just sat there next to my daddy, with his arm around me and enjoyed the stillness of the night. I then remember getting on his lap, and giving him a hug. “I love hugs,” he told me and smiled at me. He gave me another one, and I’ll never forget it for the rest of my life. Maybe it lasted for a minute, but it felt like a lifetime. And I never wanted to let him go. I remember how I felt – just the most pure, vulnerable, innocent moment that was filled with all the love in the world that only a father and daughter can share. Not only did I feel loved – I felt safe. I felt protected. And damned if I don’t remember how much unending love I had for that man, especially in that moment. I was daddy’s girl back then, plain and simple. 

When you lose someone to suicide (or in any manner), simple moments like that one become so precious, like a gem, that you hold close to your heart. For me, remembering that man, my daddy…the guy who taught me how to ride a bike, who took me to my first concert ever (Lynyrd Skynyrd of course), who used to carry me on his shoulders and I felt on top of the world… who hugged me with all the love that his heart could muster, felt so much in my young soul, that even 17 years later, I feel it just the same as I did that day… remembering him that way is one of many reasons that his time on this Earth was not in vain. 

There are a lot of painful memories, too. And watching someone you love struggle to that extent – it spurs sadness and confusion, and yes… anger. But although those memories exist, I choose not to hold onto that. Because through his pain, and ultimately, his decision to leave – I have learned more than I think he could have ever imagined… 

I’ve learned to take those ‘gems’ that I hold so close to my heart, and turn to them when I need comfort, and when I need to feel close to him again. And more so, I find solace in making new memories with the people in my life now, because guys… bottom line… those memories, moments that words don’t do justice to, THEY ARE EVERYTHING. 

LOVE those dearest in your life RIGHT NOW. Be present to what they mean to you and the time you spend with them. You truly don’t know when it might be the last memory shared. ❤️