Year 7 – The Dream

The other night I had a dream… seemingly out of nowhere. Don’t they all happen that way?

The details are hazy, but the feelings remain. Dad was there. That in and of itself makes it a bit strange. The truth is I don’t often dream about him, if ever. I honestly could count the times on one hand, if I’m honest – go through the few that I’ve had. It’s been 7 years. I guess dreams can so effortlessly spill into nightmares, and I’m scared of what I’ll find – so I mentally block it altogether.

This one was different, though – at the core, this one was poised with heavy feelings of empathy, of wanting to help, of reaching for understanding… leading with love. See in this dream, it wasn’t the dad I grew up with – the one I often aim to spotlight when flipping through the files of my memories. This was the dad at 53 who looked like he had aged well beyond, who was sickly, empty, broken… the one I’m terrified of, that I at one time hated. I’m not a fan of seeing that guy… maybe all the more reason why I need to.

I remember him facing so much opposition in this dream – people who were tired of his shit, frankly – really mirroring exactly how I felt in real life at the time – confused, pissed off, upset, everything in between. Yet, in this dream… I was his advocate. I was on his team. I wanted him to know it was going to be ok, that there was a way back from this. I can still feel these feelings course through my body as I type this.

And while the rest of the images fade away, one moment stands out. I took his face in my hands with intention, aiming to look him in the eyes. He wouldn’t look at me – he couldn’t bring himself to. Such a heavy cloud of shame around him. I beckoned him to look me in the eye, refused to let go until he did – wanting him so badly to not be scared of what he’d see when he looked at me. Finally, he did.

I LOVE YOU. DAD, I. LOVE. YOU. I LOVE YOU.

I had never spoken words with so much conviction, even in real life, I think part of me knew that the words… my grip on him, it was temporary, it would soon slip away…..

And no sooner did I feel everything lighten in my grasp, I awoke.